nothing like you and me, they perish long ago.

life is great? i dont believe it. not even you would believe it. oh i love friends. i dont need to mention them do i? i find myself a loner. i turn to myself and ended up doing things that you wouldnt want to know. i feel alot like hope lost in myself. all those courage to study, all gone. ive been slacking when its near the end of the year when examinations are coming. i wonder why is this attitude in me is behaving like this now when theres may march jan and feb. its like october now and it sucks. siting on the chair doing examination paper. i want to sleep. even if im doing the paper, im doing it without sincere without heart. and without guts to put in effort to. its like ive lost something. like a kidney in me not functioning. ive got my last day for art and im not doing anything. why am i not scared of the day. it seems like its coming to an end. its all within me, that thick layer of skin like swine.

ive been waiting for this day.
the day when ill get what i want.
to get me sick, maybe really sick.
so they'll place me on the hospital bed.
with many people looking at me,
wondering that its their fault why im like this.
injured myself so i can regret and also love myself.
so everyone will love me.

raya feat school

d/o mr k.
my eldest sister, d/o mr k.
little sister and cousin

candid.

sexy

cute

was covering my pimpies

bored at home oh yeah im fat.

school have been (too)great. stayed back fr art yesterday. like all last min but completed yeah. then went back home. i got myself hungry. bought myself bigmac. eat alone, like a total loser. should have been out with kr but hes not free. ive got plans for 16oct but i want a backup plan in case. must have plan b. i dont care, i want boots for next year raya. i alr tell mommy a year earlier so she can standby th money ahahha. ill getting my haircut soon. one offical haircut from the hairdresser, wont be cutting it myself cos im tired. 23 oct please come fast, camp. size=4>ruzanna's birthday falls on 21 oct oi.

bad

im getting worse. im back to old. that black memories comming back.

im lazy to go to school. i want to get myself admitted to the hospital.

now i know, humor is the thing that sticks friend to me. not myself.

i want to delete blog. im bored. i dont even know what to do with the internet.

now, ill just update blog with just 4 lines. its easy to read and understand anw.

stomach cramp, flu.

ohhh love, i love you so much.

do you love me?

do you remember how many times ive been scratched?

do you remember who bathed you?

do you love me kitty? hahaha.

i take good precaution but im still hurt

looking at my family happiness graph, its going up and down, i dont feel right. ill be going to school tmr, like normal school days do. i miss school even theres lots lots of assignments to do. at home is just a bore. i ate dinner with kak zi, firda and wai mun and om nad hahaha.oh yeah guess what. when i was typing this, my dad came over and take a look at th compuper screen. i wonder if he saw that. if he did. my blog url will be changed if needed. haha. as i was saying. i ate dinner at kfc. hahaha. we had a chinese eating with us. hahaha. she so cute.
do you like to be pointed at? blamed for something that you didnt do? all the reason why because of a cause?
im not mad, no im not. was it all a misunderstanding? jealousy? am i lack of understanding that i need to understand?

oh yes it was, humor and sincerity.

berak cair

had a strange day on friday. nothing much. i had flag day today. its supposed to be at jp but i went to a market in jurong west which i feel much better. its a hot day. i talked to fit justnow. hahaa apr je. life is a bore. family is getting worse.and studies too.

teachers day

hehe, ive got 3rd in the teachers day poem thingg. thats random when i was in secondary one, they didnt give me chances when i was in secondary two. i couldnt be falling for anyone right? i mean how can i? ive lost trust in men, somehow didnt believe that young love last and worse, close my doors to love. oh anw, that two missing chocolate my siblings took them without my permission. when i asked my little sister wheres the another chocolate, she smiled with melted chocolate on her teeth. so i guess its pretty obvious where the chocolate goes to.

i thought of giving myself a break, giving myself a therapy = shopping. i dont like completing the square, math.

when im sad i eat. then ill wonder what youd think of me.
when im hyper,it means im happy, dont you destroy that happy thingg in me.
i always want to, but i never did.
to ask you a question, "what do you think of me"

all i think you would answer is, "youre ugly"
now that thing sticks to me. like plaque, i do see it.
humor is the reason why friends like me.
without it they'll leave me.

one more month 29/9

these days, i realised that im getting more and more committed to my school work but it isnt that good cos, its only a subject. not like most it. ive been leaving blogger cos i think theres nothing hideous to blog about. i dont really talk about school, cos school is pretty fine.

after staying back at school on friday, i went home. i got nothing better to other than surfing the net. i decided to cut my hair. its like a ritual for my soul. cutting my hair makes me feel light and calm. thats random.

i dont understand dad. you want us to stay at home everyday and eat dinner and do chores. we did. maybe you should learn how to communicate with your children. cos we dont understand whats worth staying at home when actually then situation is the same. we dont gather, no. only dinner time and thats it. i find it a boredom. such a boredom that theres not even something like watching a movie together or whatever.

its now, super mangkok. haha. life is unfair. ive been cheering people up, but im still some sort of unhappy-mad-happy-sad feeling, which keeps my mind twisting. that i think no one is going to cheer me up. only love lullaby can make me fall asleep. i dont know what to do tmr. i have superpowers too you know. a good hideous super power. no one can see it, its just my eyes and glasses and intelligence.

somehow, i find today's saturday the best of all. the best.

like flowers.

school is fine,fine than any other days i guess. laughters poems jokes 1100. ive gotten myself flexible with those i think ill never made friends with or even say hi to. except for the ones who have gone back to their country. i cant wait for ms nathan next episode hahaha. shes feeling rather angry and sad. but if you were to look on that smile and laughters on her face, she seemso fine like a colourfull butterfly. wednesdays and like thursdays,theres no change. oh how i wish you knew this. your love and everything gave me strength to myself. not to fool/fell in love or even trust men. thats more i like it. haha.

however, im hoping that anyone thats been in a relationship to last long cos even if one said no, deeply they'll say yes.

im here to correct.
im here to fix.
im just a friend,
that one day you wont need.
(im pretty sure)
im not angry, im not sad.
cos you and i know,
thats the fact.
GO
now, go with her,
cos shes yours forever.
you wont need tears to cry.
dont let it be like,
pearls that fell from the sky.
a cry that you'll remember for life.
SO
dont you regret my friend,
cos im still alive.
to make things right.
for you and her,
that i wished,
youre both together.

thats what i call, happy times

maybe its time. where ill go and change to my old self. all those bad habits that ive thrown, im missing it. even its bad, i miss it. where all those bad habits ive done had made me feel like myself and never lonely. its clearly not an addiction, but it seems that, that is what i love. all those time i had

ive done maths halfway cos i dont want to do it, i know its not a choice. nothing influence me in it, so how?

hand ache, currently in pain.

school is great on friday only eh, hahaha.
history, english, mt, mathematics.

history? japan, fasicm, democratic, failure, learnt from hitler.

mt? firdaus. (britney)

mathematics? (b)^2+4(a)(c)=D

fifah's torn skirt, 6th storey lane.

ruzanna's, nora's, ashikin's ass touched.

home, sleep, out, happy, you, sad.

meow's tail. mr. sun, get well soon!

happy birthday singapore !

so its national day celebration. i wanted to come but then i dont have any red shirt to go to school. i miss sec 2 celebration. its fun somehow. ill be going off to a long weekend in malaysia. starting from tonight. so gonna miss my butters from south park, hahaha. im soo gonna be a happy girl today. im gonna shout my heart out and shop. its been a long time since i went shoping with my own money. kfc spicy drumlets chicken looks tempting. and burgerking too. alah im always hungry. i wanted to take bus 7. cos it leads to orchard and singapore botanical gardens. my long weekend is the reason for my uncompleted homework haha.

and i miss abg fir. cos you didnt reply my recent text. my last text was the longest ive given to you. i must understand, work work work. and thats what you do. i miss talking on the phone with you getting your advises from you. and all. i dont call any other man my brother. only you the only one. i wanna treat you like my own. i miss you abg fir

who's gonna get sick next?

end of the one week MC. I'm going back to school. do you know how much i miss school? going up and down the stairs from level 1 to 6. its been better if i were to be in school. cos there's nothing much to be done at home i assure you. i mean there's a lot to do as in house chores and stuff. but you cant study alone do you? i cant. Ive accidentally deleted 95% of my songs in my mp3. how great can that be? now there's only like 24 of them. and now my sister is sick, it couldn't have been me spreading. its just spreading you know. it couldn't have been me cos we live different houses and we meet up only on weekends, so how can? this one week holidays, its really just me at home nothing much, lots lots of sleeping. most of the days, Ive lost my appetite on eating due to wisdom tooth and food taste much like my medicine, who wants that? its only 10 and my house is already dark. everyone is asleep already. I'm the next victim my bed is calling. no matter how much i hate school, its been school Ive been missing. its like no matter how much you hate a person, its that person you missed.

and yes, new friends are loved
lost friends are missed

this year color for hari raya, pink!

1 week mc

So theres a problem in blogger and soso. ive been strong for too long, strong from all those sickness. but now im weak. i could even cry anytime i want. i have to endure the pain before the fever like. my immune system kept fighting fever then lose. fever won, and it hurts. hurts so much, i cant breathe. one moment i felt like my heartbeat was too fast. one night, i had back pain, my only ear hurts as if my head is gonna blow. i cant sleep. every 30 minutes after i slept, i'll wake up. and i'll feel restless. my thigh hurts and so i walk like as if im 49 years old. i can even feel that my bones are gonna crack if i never take good care of them.

the next day i went to the doctor. it was the doctor who remembered me. i used to come to that clinic when im having asthma. its been 5,6 years i never went to oriental family clinic. paid my medicine and went to grandmas house. i received pills coloured in pink and yellow. sizes range from xs, s, m, l. i got to have so much rest, cos this pain is hurting me.

did 2.4 km run retest. results, passed.

Tuesday.

i lost my way to mac tj, with 98 on tuesday.
i want new tyres for my bike. i dont care!
dad bought himself (&us) a new car. my dad is crazy.
my mom is crazy abt the car and smth else.
i want new school bag, please.
i want a new book at popular bookstore.

you drove me to my religious class since 8 years old and till now still, driving me there, and drive me home. at that time, i knewure the best. when i was 9 you started paking me food to school. sometimes i didnt even eat it cause im ashamed of doing it infront of my friends. when i was 10 i had a parents meeting session. i was ashamed too. cause of what youre wearing. then all the years passed. imagine, all the best days, best birthdays of mine when i was young and then all gone after the years i lived. this isnt whati expected. but then life is always unfair. i appericiate but why. no, please. but if you really have to. then. theres nothing i can do. every motion you do, theres a clue. yes im sad. no i dont hate.

i heard my cat snoring, cute sound. haha!

(im hungry in actual fact.)

(no matter how bad you bite me, i still love you kittiy!)

went home straight yesterday, cos im werking at 3. called the store, and my name wasnt in the schedule. so i went to sleep. then at 6.30pm i went out and ate lunch+dinner at mac superbowl alone. waited for the right time to go jp. texted k,i,a,q. after finishing my meal, i went off to jp to meet q. we window shopped. then went home, before going home, went kedai cine. then went home. called a when im at home cos im bored.

wants:
1) that striking pink bag
2) eat chocolate, like no tmr.
3) that kube thinggy.
4) nasi briyani, cos im hungry!

absorbency, hahaha!

(is nadiah muscular or what? ahaha. its not mass. syazwani is like a mantis that nadiah wna eat.)

ive been good, i even tell my teacher the real reason why i didnt attend school cos i cant hide it anymore. ive been so stubborn, im doing things people wished i wouldnt. i had pe with S today. hahaha. i bet i can run alr. hahahha. i ate so many things today, this and that, chocolate fudge slice, lemon barley, junks junks. ive checked my weight. its still 62kg. told mom about my weight, she said, she weigh 69kg. whatever lah mom. haha.

my mommeh's height: 1.69cm
my mommeh's weight: 69kg
my height: 1.62cm

my weight: 62kg

(how cool?)

im missing someone, a friend.

how do i miss him?

cos of time, that flies.

and avoidency(?) is produced.

that brought(?) us apart.

as if we never see each other again.

and its sad. really really sad.

no paint to paint.

milk tea in the morning. the sky said, " ill be crying. " i didnt attend school, the reason is why? alah, you know this that this that? hahaha. mood for school isnt there. my art teachers is trying to make me come to sch. cos today theres art lesson for 2 hours and a papercut lesson. damn. nevermind, i can do my self ah ok? i wanted to paint my final piece but. theres no paint, no paint to paint. how? haha. i think i final piece look somehow wierd but the meaning is there. theme: flight. meaning: the act of fly, escape and stuff. i wanted to touch and try drums. ive been wanting but im not desperate ahaha. guitar lessons? ahaha am i like born not to learn it?
only one particular song will do.
just one. why, one?
cos ill play it for you, you?
yes just you, no one else gonna hear it.
just you and me. you'll hear me, singing.
ill sing till dawn, ill forget the world.
cos ive been waiting for that moment.
to come with you, top of the treehouse,
and the song, ill play and sing.
like thats the only song i know.

once upon a time, nadiah went cycling.

then nadiah fell down. then i got minor injuries.

i take a good look on my knee, it wasnt really bleeding.

but i know, i got bruises on my knee for you, haha.

tuesday's, friday's and saturday's

end of holidays, suck it. dont want to hear the word school/homeworks/teachers. overall it was ok. nothing much, just more laughing gas in class. even the dm's can make us laugh with his effortless words. monday schedule as per normal. still, home at four. can you imagine? 8am - 4pm, its only that i dont sleep,eat,shit in school. ive decided to work. because thats the only thing i can do other than cycling not very far, or sleep like a pig. might as well do something. tuesday's, friday's and saturday's. and so my life is going to change. i work, not the cause of family problems of money shortage, no. its just that i founf something to pour all my boredom hours left with studying after that. soon, ill not be free as always. and im sure ill miss more people.

nadiah's such places.

so ystd there'll be a party at three. damn, i havent finish my holidays assignment. when will i get to finish it? i feel dumb and numb everytime i see my assignment paper. im not in the right atmosphere to do it. haha. the party was ok? hahha, i got no mood for the lunch they prepared so i didnt ate them when i actually should. cos on th way home along taking 154 while reading my favourite book, i felt like i need a plastic bag to vomit. but i hold them down on my throat. today, the first morning, i texted fred. and slept back, then woke up, i cant talk. theres like flam in my throat? ahaha, then i have to swallow many many saliva just to talk. i cant believe i slept with a light pink mango tee. hahaha. nadiah nadiah.

eventually, fred wasnt his real name,
but it sounded better if fred was his real name.

all black buddy, k.

met k today, since he cant come here, why not i come to his place kan? i went to admiralty. left house at like 3.30 plus. i was wearing something real plain, long sleeves black strechable tee. cos it was raining and drizzling. im nearly finishing my book, the one im reading now. maybe im going to buy more books after finishing reading that one. i find it addictive. ate dinner with k. haha, it was my treat. baik kan? world seem so fine alahai, i like. then went home. reach about 8.15pm. then at 9pm went out again. haha then back at home at 9.30pm. so much of going out even its near. maybe i find it suffocating staying at home, the air didnt circulate with the fresher ones. and so my pussycat is sleeping inside my wardrobe, buat ape kan. cold agaknye. gonna have crew party tmr at king albert tmr. whohhhooooo~

decease of the young love, died in a tragic argument.

Feat. Dewey(?/!/.)

i bought the book that i wanted alr, its been a week its been with me and im reading it. another half to go. reading that book dont make me feel such a burden to read alot, i mean i cant believe it its even half. its so touching at certain parts. its just vicki myron stories that made me continue reading. went to work today and end at 1, then went home straight because my family is going karaoke. ahhhaa. its been a year since we didnt karaoke. its opposite hard rock cafe sg. every one get to sing at least like 5 songs? hahaha. i feel that i didnt get to choose my right song, when then last 5 minutes, i found stratovarious - black diamond. hahha. like my turn like that. cant sing well, cehhhhhhh, because the air con is too cool(?) ahahaha, so the not the correct word. i mean not appropriate. if the sun is smiling tmr, im gonna cycle again. same destination. jurong to alexandra alone. i better not tell anyone.

its my little(?) secret!